Get Your Rat Out


I have pondered upon what to write my next blog about for some time. I’m not quite as full of verbal diarrhea as I originally thought. This is as much as a surprise to me, as it is to you.

I have had some suggestions from friends, including;

  • Maize snacks (soon… I promise)
  • Mullets, the hairstyle of the Gods. I created a Powerpoint presentation on mullets in a subtle yellow and brown colour scheme. Maybe one day you’ll see it. If I say so myself, it’s fantastic.
  • Gingers. It’s been known (and proven through the wonderful visual representation that is a pie chart) that I am a fan of a ginger. Great subject matter, I am sure you will agree.
  • 80’s style Mars bar parties
  • Buckfast

Although these are are valid threads on which to bang on about, none of them have grabbed me. A fit male colleague suggested ‘Female Genitalia’, and I thought YES. WORDS FOR THE FEMALE GENITALIA. I’m a fan of a word. I am here to entertain and educate, but primarily educate, so I am hoping to teach you some new words for the wonderment of the… VAGINA. Please do not read if you think you may be offended.

I obviously cannot take credit for the creation of many of these words and phrases. Some I created, along with friends.

So, here we go. I want to keep it simple. I exceeded myself on the leggins blog, I don’t wish to over egg it again.

Snatch, Gusset, Spam Purse, Ham Wallet, Cum Bucket, Rat Hole, Minge, Mound, (Piss) Flaps, Stab in a Gorilla’s Back, Smashed Crab, Wet Lettuce, Quim (Quivering or otherwise), Tuna Canoe, Clunge, Flange, Furry Cup, Tuppence, Tuppy, Minnie, Badly Packed Kebab, Gone Off Lettuce, Bucket, Hole, Gash, Mass, Beef Curtains, Box, Bush, My First Home, Fox Hole, Hanging Ham, Hanging Haddock, Twat, Yawning Donkey, Lady Garden, Muff. Oh, and C**T – obvs.

My personal favourites are:

Tuppence. However, mine was called a minnie when I was little. What was yours called? If you have one that is. If you don’t, what would you have called it? There is a sense of innocence to it, something I feel lacks in the rest of my list.

Beef Curtains. It’s not very nice is it. I like beef, don’t get me wrong. Nice and rare, fillet, peppercorn sauce, yummy. I understand the functionality of curtains, and I certainly appreciate them on a daily basis, mainly at night, and first thing in the morning. Combine the two very delights, and you are dealing with beef curtains. Curtains hanging too long takes on a whole new meaning. I asked my poor, harrassed mother if she knew what they were. I was probably 22, maybe younger, I would hope younger… She didn’t. I asked her what she thought it might mean, and it didn’t take long for the penny to drop. She thanked me for my enlightenment in to youth culteral references, and she remains forever grateful.

Tuna Canoe: Take a trip down the brine river, into the tuna canoe. That was a work creation.

Fox Hole: Not sure when it comes from, I think I made it up. I like it. I think there is a place called Fox Hole. I imagine it is in Cornwall. FOX HOLE.

Lady Garden: It sounds very pretty and I like it.

Smashed Crab: Again, this doesn’t conjure up a nice mental image, but it does make me chuckle…

The more I read this, the more of an idiot I think I am. Oh dear…

My least favourites: CLUNGE, TWAT (…or as the Aussies say weirdly enough, twarrrr)

I read a great book called ‘Talking Cock’ once by Richard Herring, one of my favourite comedians, where he researches all matters to do with the wand, dong, penis, schlong, Johnson, whatever you wish to call it, and I recommend it highly.

So, the vagina, I am not sure what else I can say about it really. Ooh, there is a beef skirt feature on a Morrisons advert on TV, funnily enough, on abreak for Embarrasing Bodies. I am hoping for some ‘Extreme Anus’ action as promised at the beginning. What a treat.

Aaaaanyway… I hope everyone reading this is happy and smily. I know it’s Monday… like Garfield, I hate Mondays (love lasagne). Autumn is here, the leaves are ready to crunch, and the winter coats are almost ready to come out of storage. I love it…!

Please let me know any new, exciting words for the tuppy, or any witty anecdotes you may have, and also any suggestions on what to write about next.

Stay safe x Maisie xx