Dear Mr Weather Controller

Dear Mr Weather Controller

I am writing to you in regards to the problems we have been experiencing with the weather from approx April 2012, to erm, now.

I am a fan of a big coat, my faux owl fur I was only able to wear once or twice this winter. I did not expect to be wearing my big thick coats and vintage Adidas rain macs into July.

Now, I don’t really know what this jet stream nonsense is, I’m not one for following the news… I’ll stick to Brass Eye thanks. But it sounds nice? Sounds fun? Is it a ride at Quay West? (Torquay, Devon) I’m presuming the situation might improve if it goes? Let’s make it happen. May I suggest a friendly nudge.

I am a lazy Plymouth mare and I am enjoying watching the entire series of The Sopranos, and I always enjoy an early venture in to my pyjamas and in to the bed… but I like that the summer sometimes prevents me from doing this. Even I have slovenly limits…. but there is serious danger of me advancing in to a serious FFF (fatty fuck face) if this weather doesn’t improve. Admittedly, when the sun does come out, I’ll probably just sit at the park, read a book and enjoy a cider, but still. It’s all about options. There is only so much of Tony Sopranos shirts my eyes can cope with.

The never ending FB status stream regarding the weather, followed by a picture of the rain, this sends me further to retreat. Yes, rain. More rain.

Fortunately, this weather means that the likelihood of my eyes bestowing upon the sight of men in wifebeaters (singlets, vests, whatever) is limited. Buff or not, there is no place for a vest in the city centre, a sweaty pit is a no no thanks. Of course, there is always the over enthusiastic student in his flip flops and board shorts, of course! Mehte; you look like a tosser.

On the flip side, in place of Plymouth ‘maids’ with their ass cheeks and cellulite on show, we still endure the trusty cheap leggin on 80-85% of the local population. Yes, the rules remain the same despite the temperature being 15 degrees; the top needs to cover the tuppence and ideally, be thicker than your average 20 denier tight.

It would be nice to enjoy a little bit of sunshine. I have missed sitting in the sun, with friends, enjoying each others company and some wine of course, let’s keep our fingers crossed for sunny skies and funky clouds.

I remain ever hopeful.

Maisie Snax

Leggins – The Modern Day Petticoat

Now before I start I feel I should say that most girls, and some boys have all made a leggins faux pas at some point or another in their life. It might be in the 80’s, or it might be closer to the present day. But a faux pax is a faux pas, and there is no faux pas quite like a leggin faux pas.

This blog I think may be quite epic, and I feel, even if it is only for my own benefit (which it is), please find below an index of what will be covered. I didn’t go to uni (well, very briefly) so the structure may leave a lot to be desired.

  1. Leggins – Where did it all start in my world
  2. Leggins – A brief history
  3. Correct useage of the leggin
  4. INCORRECT useage of the leggin
  5. Male perception of leggins
  6. Jeggins
  7. Meggins
  8. Treggins

1. I remember my mum having a pair of burgundy leggins purchased from the New Look on Plymstock Broadway, our local shopping precinct, circa 1991 perhaps. I remember nothing more than that, I was merely aware of their existence. As you are aware, leggins are more than present in our modern-day, busy lives. However, at the beginning of the modern day leggins craze, my dear, and fellow inappropriately tendancied, and over egging friend, P we’ll call him, talked about leggins for some considerable time. Being a creative old soul, P (for paedo) drew some leggins. My favourite being the Calypso Leggins the Anorexic Leggins (coupled with a big buckled belt to make you look skinnier, as worn by Karen Carpenter) plus other super leggins.

Eventually there was a no leggins chat ban.

From this, it all started. The obsession. Soon leggins were everywhere again, and people were getting it all wrong. The shaking of the head as you saw people’s dotty pants, cellulite and fat spilling over their exposed leggins, was coupled with the joy of discovering a garment more versatile and experimental that the traditional hosiery, and that of a denier tight. This moves me nicely on to…

2. So… I checked out leggins (leggings) on wikipedia. It seems that they have been kicking about for some time, but really started as a fashion garment in the late 70’s. Anyway… there is one statement that really stuck out for me on the wikipedia article…

Leggin(g)s are sometimes worn fully exposed, and are more traditionally worn partially covered by a garment such as a skirt, a large t-shirt or shorts, or fully covered by an outer garment, such as a full length skirt.

Wow. Me, Maisie Snax, born of Mr & Mrs Snax is deemed as ‘traditional’ in the leggin world. Why is this? I have never seen myself as someone who is traditional. Is this because I am 30 now, I considered myself open minded, liberal – yet I do not condone this non-traditional approach to expose of the leggins, you know, round the tuppy and back door area. The leggin by their very nature is relatively thin and tight, dissimilar to, say, TROUSERS, or JEANS

3. This section ‘Correct usage of the leggin’ is, quite simple, and I refer back to tradition. The leggin should be worn as an undergarment, with an overgarment covering the lady garden. I personally am a fan of a plain leggin, black or grey. The wet look leggin has never appealed to me, but I don’t look down (too much) as long as it conforms to the aforementioned ‘do’s’.

4. Now here is where I come in to my own. Here is where my passion, or maybe anti-passion (?) lays. Incorrect wearing of the leggin. I don’t wish to get on my high horse (God forbid). I am certain I go around the place looking (and acting) like a fairly massive twat, quite a lot of the time. I wear specs if they match an outfit, I have sported several wanky hairstyles, all loved by myself, including ginger fringes.

I also spent a large amount of time at The Big Chill adorning a pair of black plastic frames with no lenses at all, I wear silly hats and big plastic beads. And yes… it has been known that I have worn a pair of leggins with a small hole in them. No, not near there, not like my friend Donna. That is her leggin weak spot. I tell her, if you will buy kiddies leggins from Zara babes. Hers need reinforcing I tell you. But yes, I digress, I have been known to have my own occasional leggin faux pax, and yes, I often am not a pillar of style and finesse, (and yes, I have also been known to overuse a comma) – so I do not wish to judge (that’s what I have been trying to say) and I agree that people should be able to wear and look like however they want. Lord knows I do…

BUT…

Leggins too small for you, with your wet lettuce all but exposed?

Cold days, with a thong on and your cellulite for all to see (and above)? The beauty of the leggin is it’s versatility and functionality and yes, it’s fashion status. But this defies logic. I’ve seen it with my own eyesies. For God’s sake, show some respect for your fellow man and the beloved leggin. Cover up your small pants, cover yourself up on this winter day and …

Purchase some good quality leggins. If you do this, then some other no-go’s may become more palatable and certainly more forgivable. Remember, leggins are NOT trousers. They should not be worn as such.

5. This is interesting. Boys and leggins. I have banged on and on about leggins for some time now, and for my Facebook friends, I can’t imagine this is news to you. So, from my incessent barking, it is inevitable that some boys (and that includes men too by the way) have expressed an opinion on the quintessential garment of the modern day. It varies. Some boys (and I will change the names to protect the innocent) and in particular my dear friend Nigella’s boyfriend, Liam is quite open in regard to his enjoyment of the exposed toe leggin. He see’s a pretty girl and enjoys an eyeful. Typically, his enjoyment is hindered if the girl is overweight. GOOD. I hope his eyes bleed, his leggins opinions are wrong. Sort your life out. Some say, how can it be wrong to state a preference? I disagree. Liam was perplexed at my disgruntlement. He likes old school rave, and leggins misuse. LOSER. Another friend, Terry, was on a similar line, he liked them, however knew he shouldn’t. A guilty pleasure, forbidden fruit. INTERESTING. Tony – he had his own ideas on leggins abuse. He has been sporting, at parties, for some years his own pair of silver leggins. To be fair to Tony, he can carry them off better than most girls, and has the decency to tuck himself neatly away in to a nice little mangina. Most of the time.

These leggins have had so much wear, they are starting to perish around the nether regions. Flash photography is dangerous. But Tony – I salute you and your leggins. They never leave the house, and they are shown the respect they deserve. My gay friends share similar sentiment to me. They know their rights. Our rights. We love our retinas.

Whistlers Mom

6. This is a tough section. Jeggins. This summer I have seen countless girls wearing jeggins AS JEANS. I have a pair of jeggins given to me by my dear friend Katey who works for H&M as a designer. She is kind enough to bestow many garments on me when I am lucky enough to go and see her in Stockholm. I have been given some jeggins. They are like black faded denim, with small zips round the ankle. I almost got rid of them, I have maybe worn them twice? I took them to the park on a warm summer evening this summer, along with a couple of other bags of clothes to try and palm them off to my friend Jenna. We drank warm cider, and smoked, then cowered under a rug as it got colder. We looked like vagrants, I won’t lie. But, Jenna convinced me, keep the jeggins. They remain unworn. I feel in a bit of a quandary with regards to jeggins… I want to like them, I want to wear them. I’ve been overloaded with my own bullshit, and I am scared to like them , to wear them. If anyone has some reassuring, wise words for me (please, only in regards to this leggin spectrum) please share them.

6. Meggins. Leggins – for men. I wish I had seen more of this. Apart from on Tony. Is this actually just a new name for long-johns? I thought P might have got involved with these, but no. He opts still for a skinny jean, a deck shoe and a full, paedo beard these days.

SUBPOST: Afte my recent brief trip to White Isle, I was fortunate enought to experience to fun loving guys embracing jeggins on their early morning flight BRI – IBZ. I arrived early, and fatigued. Imagine my delight when I saw these beauties donning, yes, our favourite lycra garments. Feast your eyes. Please, do not feel like a paedo. There is nothing wrong with looking at these photos and ENJOYING them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I saw these fella’s, I obviously had to comment, ‘Nice leggins boys’. They advised me that they had not had such a positive reaction from many people. I encouraged them, and I think they left with a lighter heart. What is the world coming to when young, strapping men can’t walk freely wearing leggins without fear of retribution, yet fat knackers and bony snatched woman of the world carry on, unberated. I would much rather see more of the above, rather than the specimens that wonder around like slugs.

7. I saw a big sign in the window display in H&M in delightful Plmouth, just last week. Treggins, now in! I pondered, what is this treggin, what avenue can this garment, the modern day petticoat explore now? The wonders of Wikipedia advised that is was a very thick leggin.

Now hang on a minute. Isn’t that what a leggin should be? I believe that even if it is very thick, it should not expose the front and back bottoms of women or children. (I am not sure if the treggin is designed in a meggin format…)

I want to conclude this now. I started this blog in late August, and I am going on my holidays tomorrow, so I want to go to bed. But please, think about where will the leggin go next? What is the future? It’s all so exciting, yet so terrifying.

Aaaaanyway… What I am trying to say is, please girls… cover up. The muffin top over a cheap pair of leggins is bad news. It makes me, and others die a little bit inside.

I do hope a good weekend is had by all, I go to London tomorrow to see my brother and some London friends whom I haven’t seen for far too long. One of them, my drag friend Joy, describes me as more of a gay man that any gay man he has ever . What an accolade! Then I am off to Brighton to see 2ManyDj’s and Jaymo and Andy George with my festifriend Lou, then to Ibiza for 4 days of sea, sun, carnage and moustaches. Life moves pretty fast… etc…

The opinions held within this are mine, I am a gobshite wanker, so they are probably best ignored.

Peace xx