Girl Meets Boy, Girl Stalks Boy.

I met a boy.

Naturally, he lives hundreds of miles away. It’s how I roll. A preference for the complicated, and the different, this theme of a distant interest seems to be recurrent.

It started with an awareness of the boy, he is my friends brother, then a text exchange and a favour during a desperate BHM (bank holiday Monday) eve. Then, a meeting after a big weekend in Liverpool some months later, after he became friendly with the friends I was visiting in Liverpool, Joe and Lloyd.

If the boy is cleanly shaven and is wearing a tie, he could pass as a schoolboy. This pleases me, no end.

Like me, he has an enjoyment of inappropriate humour, an interest in the darker side of things. He makes me laugh a lot. A LOT. I think I make him laugh a lot too, so it’s a bit of a result. Anyway, it comes to light that neither of us are stalking anyone. Quite a rare occurrence for me, my digits are often busy tapping away, my crab eyes viciously darting around, seeking new information. We decide to stalk each other in the interim.

If I put my arm around the boy, I feel a little bit like a peadophile, this also pleases me.

So, we start exchanging post. I try and make it as sinister as possible, I am finding it fun to be creative. Thinking about the things I can send excites my brain. I send some scribblings about stalking, I did my research. I find a picture of his house on streetview, write something threatening. ‘I know where you live you c***’, you know, friendly banter. I compiled a stalker cd. Lovingly crafted by my fair janner hands. The track listing is as follows…

1. Around – Noir and Haze
2. Alone, Jealous and Stoned – Secret Machines
3. Cromwell Street – Wiseguys
4. Pull Off Your Arms and Legs and Let’s Play In Your Blood – Fight Like Apes
5. I Put A Spell On You – Creedence Clearwater Revival
6. Don’t You (Forget About Me)- Simple Minds
7. Take A Chance On Me – ABBA
8. Say You Love Me – Fleetwood Mac
9. Days Go By – Dirty Vegas
10. Close to Me – The Cure
11. Filthy Love – We Are Enfant Terrible
12. Hiding Tonight – Alex Turner
13. Happy Together – The Turtles
14. Angel Eyes – Roxy Music

I really like Filthy Love, there are some very sinister lyrics, my favourite being ‘I don’t care if you make a leather jacket out of my skin, I need you like Westwood needs a hairpin’. It’s a nice little French electric ditty, I recommend you listen to it. I actually first heard this first when I was on a beach in Goa in February – and I had access to wifi for the first time in over a month and I was loving a bit of 6 music. Listen, it’s good…

Filthy Love

Anyway. So the post is coming thick and fast, but it’s getting a bit nice, softer. I start to like this boy. He is what I commonly refer to as a good egg. We start sending things we might like to each other. Getting personal post is the best, living in the digital age, the age of the ipod and the email, the joy of a handwritten note is truly delightful, a treat not often experienced. I enjoy running down the stairs, checking the post… There is often something sinister including in the post, but the letters are slowly revealing bits of ourselves, it’s fun. We’ve been exchanging post for almost six weeks I think. I send a questionnaire. They are silly questions, mostly. I receive one back.

Every step I take, he takes two.

Its been a while since I last wrote anything, stalking is quite time consuming so I’m going to complete this questionnaire here

1. Where would you like to live?

This one is easy. I would love to live in Melbourne, Australia. I often dream about returning there. I spent a few months living there with the bird back in 2004. They were the hey day of my twenties, a peak. Fact. There was a definite European feel there. I like that the weather is so unpredictable, I find it boring when weather is so predictable, sunny sunny sunny blah blah… The shops are cool, the music scene is pretty cool too.

2. What are your favourite Velvet Underground and Gang of Four songs retrospectively?

My favourite Velvet Underground song is Pale Blue Eyes. I didn’t really know much Velvet Underground stuff (yes, shame on me) although I do love Lou Reed. My friend, the boys sister incidentally put that song on a mix cd for me and I was hooked. I absolutely love it, and it’s quite long too, so its value for money in a jukebox type scenario. I’m yet to decide my Gang of Four faves. I’ll update you.

3. Who are your hero’s/heroines of fiction?

Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. He’s a pretty cool guy isn’t he?
John Bender from The Breakfast Club. Quick witted and super cool.
Randal from Clerks. As above.

4. Who are your real life hero’s?

Simon Weston. He’s got a mean moustache.

My mum and dad. They’ve got it all going on, and I’m so proud to call them my mum and dad.

5. What is the quality you most admire in a man?

Ginger hair. Not really a quality, but I’m making it one. Oh, and good taste. A quote from one of my favourite films, and books, High Fidelity. Rob Gordon says ‘What really matters is what you like, not what you are like.’

6. As above, but in a woman?

Good taste and good humour, both equally.

7. What is your dream of happiness?

A big house with all my nearest and dearest, loads of food, premium cider, a juke box with unlimited credits, a fancy dress box and a full medicine cabinet. Maybe a fluffy fit ginger cat to stroke.

8. What do you value most in your friends?

Their thoughtfulness and tolerance. I believe I do require a certain level of tolerance. My friends are amazing… I love them very much.

9. What is your dream occupation?

Travel writer, or some sort of media whore.

10. What is your favourite name?

I really love the name James. I find the name Barbara quite humorous, and have often considered changing my name to Barbara Barnes. Babs to her mehtes. I’d also like to change my name to Labia Fernandernanderdez.

11. Your motto is:

‘There is always room for one more.’ This can be applied to a number of situations, not just food. It’s a winner.

‘Get a grip’ Simple but effective.

12. What traits in yourself do you find indulgent/selfish/distasteful?

How full of myself I am. My want for everything, now.

13. What is your favourite flower?

I love lilys, I don’t care that they are a funeral flower, I like their dirtyness and how rich and beautiful they are. I adore their smell and I love that they last for 10 days (as per the label) White ones are my favourite…

14. Why don’t you know just how amazing you are?

I think you’ll find I do Andrew.


About Maisie Snax
LOVES: Clouds, maize snacks, house music, taking things too far, cider in the sun, funk, Wes Anderson, cheese, listening to my ipod really loudly at all times, being lazy, being elevated, showing off, melodic hip-hop, monkeys, getting amongst it, pianos in house tracks, soul, Chanel pefume, Bret Easton-Ellis, my fringe, Buckfast, cashew nuts, long weekends away, spooning, stereo whoring, laughing, eggs, John Lee Hooker, BBC 6 Music and Spaced DOESN'T LOVE: Getting up early, liars, text speech including lol, Joop on men, beards, vegetables that disguise themselves as other vegetables (courgettes), diet coke, Lady GaGa, Radio 1, soaps, black pudding, Mondays, big dogs, toenails and cheap leggins.

6 Responses to Girl Meets Boy, Girl Stalks Boy.

  1. Donna says:

    Babs. Nice. Babs Barnes. You’ll need to get a purple rinse.

  2. Neil Barnes says:

    Dad here! not so cool with a cubs hat on!

  3. naomi foster says:

    Brillant Babs, loving your work xxx

  4. Phil says:

    ‘my crab eyes viciously darting around’ Nice one BB.

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